Step into the mind of a typical teenager
Lucas Eugene Scott (One Tree Hill)
One Tree Hill (via othbrookepdavis)
Sometimes coming on here feels like a cry for help, but when I think about it, I come on here because it’s where I can vent all I want without anyone unwillingly listening.
Sometimes I feel like there’s nobody out there with me. Like I feel alone with thousands of people around me. I try to keep a brave face but I feel so broken inside. People do this thing where they “check in” on other people as a sort of greeting. I always thought it was a way of showing they care. But if they did they would know that almost everybody lies. I tell them I’m fine. I’m not fine, I’m falling apart. I’m weak from enduring so much heartache and carrying that injured heart with me for nineteen years.
I don’t know how, but I see so much potential in things that are almost impossible for me and it’s like I set myself up for failure over and over again.
I have a fractured soul that needs strength. I’m not strong enough to keep fighting. I can’t handle being so heartbroken for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine being unhappy for the rest of my life but I can’t imagine being happy either. I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy with everything and not have to worry about anything. I forgot what it’s like to be sure that everything’s okay.
Maybe that’s my problem. I keep trying to plan everything. But I do this because I try so hard to protect my heart. I try to plan everything out and I always want to know what’s going to happen to me because I want to be ready. I want something to fall back on. I keep waiting for something that feels like it’ll be impossible to happen, I keep hurting the people who love and care about me and loving and caring for the people who I probably haven’t even crossed their minds. I keep feeling like I keep doing the wrong things and I can’t fix anything. I can’t figure out how fix myself. Dear lord help me find the strength I need to keep moving forward and heal my heartache and brokenness and also, my fractured soul.
I haven’t been happy in quite some time. I’ve been so stressed out that if I really think about it, I can’t even tell what I’m stressing over. I’m at that point where nothing seems to go right with me and now I just keep expecting the worst.
I know there’s a solution to everything, but lately it just seems like there’s a little voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t do anything about it. Sometimes I feel like that little voice is right. I CAN’T fix anything. I feel like trying will end up making everything worse and so I just sit there, and watch the people I care about get hurt.
I’ve completely lost sight of what it’s like to be happy. I wish things would take a turn for the better. I wish I could fix everything so that everyone is happy and nobody is hurt because of me. I want to be happy again.
So I went to see “If I Stay” with my grandma and we chose are seats ahead of time. It was pretty packed and I had to sit next to a couple who were around my age. During the movie, the guy I was sitting next to accidentally bumped my hand. The girlfriend seemed pretty pissed because she saw him…